(Please excuse the well dressed photo bomber in front of the Granturismo.)

The Maserati Granturismo S. If you appreciate cars in general or wish to kick start someone’s day without the use of caffeine or a gun, then you should like this.

Below are links for proof that lions breed inside the Maserati’s exhaust pipes:

• Click here for a video of the elusive Maserati Granturismo S filmed in it’s natural habitat.
  
  
• Click here if you like collecting earwax as a hobby and need more convincing…
  
  
• If you still disagree, you are then a communist and must be presented with more proof to persuade you before you are fed to wild animals… please click here.
  

If still you do not find joy in listening to the glorious sound that which you have been presented with, you are deemed a traitor of the human race and must punish yourself by setting your hair on fire.

There are many things that I wish would come to pass. Two, actually. That gas prices would go down and that concept cars need to be, well, un-conceptified and go into production. Unfortunately, hoping for petrol prices to go down is like hoping that the next sentence after the phrase “Promise you won’t get mad…” will be something that brightens up your day. Usually, it ends up with unsurprising disappointments or bloody noses.

Concept cars are always cool because they allow our imaginations to go wild. Just like the little car doodles on the back of your school book. Your ideal future car will either have tank tracks for its rear wheels or a trebuchet on the roof rack.
Or both.
The thing is, you also know that they will never come to be. But thanks be to the car gods, there are a select few that we might actually get to see on the roads in the near future.
… and some, even sooner than you think.

Here are my personal favorites.

Audi Quattro Concept

The word Quattro (Italian for four) instantly conjures up rally images in my head. Back in the 80’s, the Audi Quattro proved to the world the non-existence of dirt and mud via it’s four wheel drive rally monster. 30 years later, Audi have decided to commemorate this magnificent machinery with the Audi Quattro Concept. Powered by a turbocharged inline-five cylinder engine and body panels made from carbon fiber, not to mention that gaping mouth of a grille, this new Quattro is clearly ready to devour the road.

Promotional video for your viewing pleasure.

Jaguar C-x16

Let’s be honest. When you think of Jags, you think “old person”. Here’s a Jag that will make you think “old person who will kick your teeth in”. Just recently unveiled over the interwebs and this year’s Frankfurt Motor Show, the Jaguar C-X16 instantly mauled my chest and ran away with my heart. More of a soon to be production car than a concept, this Jag sports a 3.0 liter Supercharged V6 and a near perfect 50:50 weight distribution. To add more interest in the…errr… interest of fuel efficiency and eco-friendliness, Jaguar also says that this will be offered with a hybrid variant. A ferocious wild cat that can tear your head off and save the rainforest all at the same time.

A video for the cat lover inside you.

BMW i8 Concept

Over the recent years BMW have been adamant about improving fuel efficiency without sacrificing the intrinsic BMW-ness driving pleasure. Here is a car that, if I were still 12, I would imagine has laser guns hiding in the front bumpers. It probably has. If not, it probably should. And it should fly too. And go underwater. While saving fuel. To me, this is the face of future cars. It looks futuristic and BMW promises that it will perform just as well. Armed with an electric motor in the front and a high performance 3 cylinder combustion engine at the rear, this otherworldly time-traveling-spacecraft proposes a 0-60 acceleration time of under 5 seconds and a 94mpg fuel consumption. So unless this concept was conceived by someone’s 8 year old, or this is BMW’s idea of a prolonged April Fool’s joke, I see no reason why we won’t see this go into production. And they better make it schnell!

For a glimpse into the future…

And a sneak peek of the BMW i8 in the upcoming Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol movie.

The first thing anyone looks for in a car is, well, their looks. And unlike people, cars don’t turn fat and angry looking with age. Instead, many of them stand the test of time with their brightly lit eyes and shiny, grinning faces. That is, until a designer comes along and decides to give them a facelift using a chainsaw. So for now, let’s take a look at my 10 favorite car designs of the past decade.

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10. Nissan Silvia S15 (1999-2002)

Clean and simple coupe for everyday use. Very popular among young drivers who have an affinity for stickers.

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9. Maserati Granturismo MC Stradale (2009)

Capture a Maserati Granturismo, keep it in a cage for a few months while feeding it with bits of carbon fiber, let it loose and you’ve got the MC Stradale.

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8. Nissan Skyline GT-R R34 (1999-2002)

If God had roller-skates, this would be it.

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7. Audi B7 RS4 Quattro (2006-2008)

The bastard love child of a turtle and a V8 engine.

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6. BMW E39 M5 (1998-2003)

The handsomest BMW of them all. With looks that are both quiet and elegant, you wouldn’t think that a monster resides under the hood.

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5. Volkswagen Scirocco III (2008)

This is what the VW Golf should look like. Actually, it basically is a Golf underneath that sleek skin. As a matter of fact, the only reason this model was never brought to the states was because of fear that it could negatively affect the Golf GTI sales. And rightfully so.

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4. Pagani Zonda-F Roadster (2006)

The designer of the Zonda said that he wanted to create a car that was so beautifully crafted that each part of it could be put in a glass case and put up on display. Powered by a V12 Mercedes-Benz engine, even the sound it makes is a work of art.

Despite having huge looking arches, the car sits surprisingly low as shown below on one of Top Gear’s episodes:

Unless of course Mr. James May happens to be 8 feet tall.

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3. Ferrari 458 Italia (2009-present)

To me, there has never been a car that was as striking and yet elegantly beautiful as the Lamborghini Diablo. Then came the Ferrari 458 Italia. Low, swooping lines with curves all in the right places. Like a masterfully crafted blade. The sleekest and sexiest of all Ferrari’s to date. This car should only be viewed by people 18 years old and above.

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2. Aston Martin DBS (2007)

OH.

MY.

GOD.

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1. Lamborghini Aventador (2011)

The most visually striking Lamborghini since the Reventon. The future of car design realized. It is almost hard to believe that it is a real car and not one out of a comic book. If Batman sat inside one, I would also believe that he too is real.

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So there you have it. A good number of pornographic images to keep you busy for a while. But before you go lock yourself up in a room, here are some “Honorable Mentions” that I would like to… mention.

10. Fiat 500 Abarth (2008)

9. Ford GT (2003-2008)

8. Kia Forte Koup (2010)

7. BMW E92 M3 (2007-present)

6. Mercedes-Benz SL Series (2003-2008)

5. Dodge Challenger (2008-present)

4. Dodge Viper Phase II SRT-10 (2008-2010)

3. Mitsubishi Evolution X (2007-present)

2. Porsche Limited Edition Sport Classic (2010)

1. Ferrari F430 Scuderia (2007)

*thanks to netcarshow.com for most of the images

Summer is here and some people over at BMW decided to put a couple of their trophy wives on a crash diet and into a sexy bikini. Here’s one: The new, lighter BMW M3 CRT(Carbon Racing Technology).

It has four doors, it has no color and it is ready to strut the catwalk of the automotive world with it’s new weight loss program that would make Kate Moss blush.

Featured in this special, limited run, German saloon is a beefed up ///M powered V8 also found in the BMW M3 GTS. As most car enthusiasts know, weight is probably a race car’s worst enemy. What really makes this car special is it’s new extra fat shedding technology. And this technology is made out of the same material you put leftovers in: Plastic. Well, almost the same. Plastic With some good helping of carbon fiber to be exact.

Some important bits of this car are made out of CFRP (Carbon Fiber Reinforced Plastic) which essentially has the same strength of steel but with only about a quarter of it’s weight. Particularly the seats, hood and rear spoiler are made out of this material. All this weight saving technology happily disposed of some 70kg or roughly 155lbs. That’s about the same weight of a medium sized man. Or 3 averaged sized english bulldogs. Light, agile and fitted with a testosterone filled 440bhp V8 engine, this M3 will surely pack a serious punch. Like a starved and crazed anorexic cat with bullhorns.

These seats cost more than your monthly mortgage payments. But at least they’re light.

Included also is a new version of BMW’s double-clutch transmission with Drivelogic, Navigation system professional and a high end BMW Individual audio system. All this for the remarkable price of $185,000! Oh, did I mention that they only made 67 of these cars? And they’ve all been sold by the way so put that checkbook back in your front pocket Mr. Daddy Warbucks and let’s have a little chat with your psychiatrist.

As you drive along, your passengers can admire the dizzying woven pattern in front of them! It is unclear, however, if the carbon fiber seats are vomit proof.

For your information, they specifically made this special M3 as a sedan. Why? Perhaps, you feel the need to take your therapist with his wife and child along for a ride when the voices in your head won’t let you sleep at night. Or maybe you simply like to maintain that image of a hardworking family man who likes to take his kids to school in an unassuming, hardcore, lightweight, four-door-family-sedan-racecar with a banging stereo. Whatever the case may be, unless your shrink or your family weigh only 50lbs. each, you might be better off saving the extra $115,000 for your therapy sessions. Otherwise, filling all those seats with people kind of kills the whole purpose of weight shedding. What’s the point of a sedan then?

Yes, it is light. Yes, the engine is powerful. And yes, the price is ludicrous. But it is limited so it must mean it’s special. And it has no color. Black and white pictures in an art gallery seem special. Or they simply ran out of paint. In any case, you can always tell your friends you almost bought a limited edition M3 that the manufacturers forgot to paint, but you weren’t quick enough to place your order in because you don’t know how a keyboard works. Or what it does for that matter. Or you can simply sit back and snide with envy at those 67 lucky individuals who have big bank accounts and very rich but worthless psychiatrists. Personally though, “lucky” isn’t the word that would come up in my head.

To save weight, they made the badge out of Kleenex. Probably.

Every now and then I come across something really offensive that it stirs violent shameful words to come forth from my mouth and hurl it towards whatever it is that struck my nerve. Just recently, I came across something so visually disturbing that it almost caused something shameful and offensive to violently erupt from the backside of my jeans.

I was driving along one day, on my way to work, when I spotted this:

Sorry. I meant this:

I was so taken aback that I almost ran into the car in front of me. Deliberately. Just so I could forget the ungainly sight my eyes just happened upon. After a little while, I managed to calm myself down and realized that the monstrosity that nearly caused me to leave this earth was the new Nissan Juke. Or Puke. Whichever you would prefer to call it.

Mind you, I know close to nothing about this amphibious looking creature aside from the fact that it looks like it failed in its attempt to mimic automobiles. What’s even more appalling is that someone paid to sit inside this and drive around town thinking that he or she is blending in perfectly with the rest of the normal world.

Or could it be that the intentions where completely the opposite of my speculations?

Well, according to Nissan, the design is meant to attract active, adventurous, 30-something year old individuals. They say that the round headlamps at the bottom… errr… middle… the ones above the license plate… are inspired by rally car designs. They also say that the taillights are likened to the 350Z and the roof line has a hint of the famous Nissan GT-R.

Right.

Clearly, we can see that a culmination of design greats don’t necessarily make for a great design at all.

Alfonso Albaisa, VP of Nissan Design Europe, explains the strict guidelines they used when designing this beast. He says, and I quote, “Don’t mix, don’t compromise. Make something clear.” Either he was talking about a completely different car or he thinks cross breeding a lion, a seal and grasshopper would result in a noble and majestic Unicorn.

Maybe if they fitted little rockets in those slots in the bumper it would make it a little more appealing. Then again, glitters on a cyst doesn’t really change its overall image does it?

Let me try to dissect this lab experiment gone wrong then. I’m not here to talk about performance figures or price tags. Let’s talk about the obvious horror staring down at you. Let’s talk about the design. Suppose Mr. Joe wanted to buy a new car. He wanted something different. Something that speaks individuality. Creativity. Originality. He walks in the Nissan dealer and announces that he is a trend setter and the envy of his peers. He does not want to drown among the sea of Toyota Corollas or Nissan Altimas that plague this unoriginal and bland world of motor vehicles. He spots the Juke. He signs the papers (most probably with crayons) and drives off thinking that, once again, he has triumphed above mediocrity and sets forth to bask in the hungry stares of the people washed aside by the turbulence of his social magnificence. What Mr. Joe has actually done is gone to a plastic surgeon, give him his hard earned money and walk out with a gaping wound across his face.

It doesn’t take much for someone to realize whether a car is fashionably styled or not. Sure, some are OK and others might even border around insane but they all follow basic principles of aesthetically pleasing designs. Yes, the Juke bravely ventured out where few automotive designs have gone but that does not mean that what we have is a rolling Picasso. More like what you would get if you shoved a frog and your old roller skates in a microwave and set in on High for 20 minutes. You will end up with a hot mess.

Oops.

Frankly speaking, I didn’t even bother looking for pictures of the interior. Because even if the interior were made out of marble draped with wolves’ skin and a dashboard resembling Angelina Jolie’s legs, I’d be too preoccupied looking for the farthest and darkest parking spot to duck in and walk out of.

To me, this design is just a desperate attempt to catch people’s attention and to lure them into purchasing a rotten apple made to look enticing with whip cream and a cherry on top. Obviously, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but in this case, the sorry old person who bought one of these things need to have their eyes gouged out and fed to sharks. I find it sad that a lot of designers think they can simply blend things together, call it something new and pretend to relate it to consumers in some weird way just to make a few sales.

Unfortunately, this type of design rationale will continue to plague us until people finally realize that maybe wearing a fanny pack above those distressed-look jean shorts aren’t so cool after all.

I never really liked American cars. I think they try too hard to be perceived as a quality built object. They are just brightly colored things that make loud noises and lots of smoke. They also love playing cupid by helping people develop intimate relationships with their mechanics. They’re just not built right. However, as long as they wear a nice bow on the top, a hefty price tag on the bottom and a badge in the form of some animal, they are called sports cars. Like Pinocchio convincing himself that he’s a real boy. Only this Pinocchio is made out of plastic, his strings made out of spaghetti and his puppeteer, Geppeto, is an uncoordinated, big bellied, overly ambitious drunkard who tries to make him dance. In case you missed the point, i really don’t like them.

Recently however, I heard Geppeto’s been attending regular AA meetings and has even taken some dancing lessons.

Welcome the 2011 Mustang GT. It’s big. It’s bad. It’s blue.

Mustangs have always been known for their big burly engines, huge amounts of horsepower and uncanny ability to go really fast… forward. Unfortunately, show them some corners and their wheels turn to butter. This always bugged me. What’s the point in having all that power to go fast but only on a straight line? It’s like being given a bazooka with a gazzillion megatons of firepower but can only be effective if your victims agree to stay still so you can shoot them in the face.

So, have the Americans, once again, thrown out the instruction manual, fired up the ol’ blowtorch, welded together some sheet metal and plastic and sprayed it with some shiny paint to be sold to the general populace as an all American sports car? Not quite.

Ford has made a number of changes with this year model’s engine and suspension to make it far more superior than its predecessor. Its V8 engine produces 412 hp and 390 lb.-ft of torque as opposed to last year’s 315 hp with a torque of 325lb.-ft. They also upgraded it’s hydraulic power steering in favor of an electric powered one. This would mean sharper, quicker steering response. In addition, it has enhanced and stiffer lower control arms, an improved power train and stiffer rear stabilizers. And if that isn’t enough, customers will also be able to purchase an optional Brembo Brake kit package for stopping power comparable to the iceberg that sank the Titanic. All in all, it is the quintessential muscle car but better. A powerhouse with cat-like agility. Like a sledge hammer with a laser guided system. Who wouldn’t want one?

Not a bad looking thing either. What I like about it is that it still remains to look “regular”. Something for the average joe to drive around without looking like a douche. I don’t mean regular in the sense that it isn’t special. Just that, whether you are a coal miner, a pizza boy, a zoo keeper or even a geography teacher, you can mount this trusty steed after a long day’s work and ride off into the sunset without looking too peculiar. As opposed to getting in an Audi S4 or Mercedes C-Class which would make you look like a male chicken wearing a hard hat while carrying a box of pizza and an atlas with your monkey trailing along beside you. True, they belong in a different price bracket but that just furthers my point. Those playgound bullies are thousands of dollars more expensive than the Mustang. So yes, perhaps even a pizza delivery boy can afford one. In a couple of years maybe.

Reviews also have claimed that it can perform nearly as well as the BMW M3 but that’s for another topic. What I want to point out is that it seems, finally, that America is moving forward in terms of manufacturing real sports cars. We’ve seen this to be true in the Cadillac CTS-V and the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1. It’s only right that the Mustang finally takes its place among these great cars.

The praises just keep coming for the old dog… Err.. horse. But what about the infamous American interior build quality you may ask?

I guess you could say this simply became a part of it’s unique appeal. Looks nice and it does it’s job but you can tell that it’s just not that expensive. Almost like that fake Rolex you bought from Hong Kong. At least it looks shiny.

So here’s to the Americans for rising above the ashes of vehicle manufacturing incompetence and idiocy. For once, I can actually day dream of owning one and riding it out into the open horizon against the setting sun. Congratulations Ford and welcome to 2011!